he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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