Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I puked a lego.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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