I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
