He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
