Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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