so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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