Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
