youre lurking in front of me
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize