I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize