Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
