Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize