Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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