Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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