omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
