my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
