I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
