I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
