My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
