I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
