why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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