i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
