I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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