I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
