Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
