Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
