I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
