I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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