she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize