I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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