She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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