just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
