he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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