Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
