The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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