and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
