You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
