don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
