Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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