dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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