Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
