The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
