I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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