The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
