I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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