That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Mom said you looked used
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
