I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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