we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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