I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
