And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
