If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
