im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
