Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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