I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
