He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
