I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize