Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
