I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
