I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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